we both carry baggage, we picked up along the way

so if you love me do it gently, and i will do the same

Spring Hope

Do you ever wonder who you are? Do you ever wonder where you are going to be?

In the last six months as a struggling, sometimes failing, graduate from college who had to settle for working for her father, I have driven myself crazy trying to find a solid answer to these questions. At I think I have finally come to peace with an answer... I have no fucking idea.

The recent past has been filled with lovers quarrels, sibling rivalries, debt, loss of a job, loss of an apartment, loss of my independence, rejection from my dream graduate school, depression, tears. I have thrown myself into new television shows and books just to hide myself from the real feelings of my daily life. I have felt happier, to say the least.

However, as the days get longer and the sun seems to be poking through the clouds a little more, I can see that I have come full circle. I am no longer at rock bottom, although I have my moments. My problem now is that I have felt every emotion I could encounter for every day the past several months, and I am ready to move on...

I have come to this point in my life before, where I realize that the path is not already drawn for us and sometimes taking a leap is just what you need to get yourself out of the darkness. It is a strange feeling thinking it may be easier to stay in a place where hiding from your true potential and all those emotions may be easier than taking a new adventure, a new risk. It's always easier to fall asleep at night than to wake up in the morning.

It's refreshing knowing that I am so young, so full of ideas, and I have the opportunity to fail or succeed. I am tired of excuses: the economy sucks, Bachelor's Degrees don't get you far anymore, you don't have enough experience, etc and fucking etc.

I think I have finally grasped the notion that this is MY LIFE. I don't care if my decisions piss you off, if I'm not doing what the plan was all along, if I fail down and have to ask for a little help to get back up again. I have always been told that life is a journey, not a destination. I think that may be the best advice anyone could ever give.

sometimes you just have to remember why you fell in love

try not to judge me, cause we've walked down different paths

Glass- Thomson Square

Ours

"the truth of the matter is happiness isn't a constant. you get fleeting glimpses of it. when the rest it you are fighting for those moments. but those moments are what make it all worth it."
                                                                           - taylor swift

Winston Churchill

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something in your life.

NEW SONG OBSESSION

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXXz8_equHQ

Revelations

I have been having some revelations as of late. I may owe this to Dave, after telling me one too many times that I do have a choice in my life.

I don't want to have a bad attitude anymore. I want happiness, hope, love, excitement, adventure... freedom. Freedom may seem deep, but this depression, this wave of not feeling good enough, it has a hold on me. I am making people around me sad, and I am staying sad.

I don't want to live this life wishing. I don't want to live this life to make someone else's easier. My life is mine for living. I see some changes on the horizon....

there's something in your eyes says we can beat this...

You know, I’ve got this theory; there are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. You know, the lyrics people tend to be analytical. You know, all about the meaning of the song. They’re the ones you see with the CD insert out like five minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpreting the hell out of everything. Then there’s the music people…who could care less for the lyrics as long as it’s got, like, a good beat and you could dance to it. I don’t know, sometimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since I’m not, let me just say this: sometimes things find you when you need them to find you. I believe that. And for me, it’s usually song lyrics.
-One Tree Hill

Sweet, sweet, victory!

“I didn’t want it to end the wrong way again,” Solo said. “I have waited a long time for this to come around again and I always kept the belief that it would end better this time.

“Some things happened on the field that we didn’t agree with but somehow it all worked out in the end and that shows how we never give up.”

“It has been a long road for me and I had some tough times to get here,” Solo said recently. “In life you get presented with opportunities and second chances and you have to take them.”

Wise words...

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.
-Emerson

Pretty emotional these days...

It's a strange feeling when you grow old enough to look back at high school and college as a fond memory.  It's like you are finally old enough to recognize memories and recall how a certain point in your life felt. I have always been the type of person who dwells on certain events and I hang on every word people say. My boyfriend may say I think too much, but I think it takes a good writer to be able to recognize the little details in life. I don't remember grand events, I remember the little things... and I think the little things make me even more emotional than the average bear.

This past week my older sister announced her engagement to her soon-to-be husband, Shane. Although she told me weeks ago, I don't think the reality hit me until my parents found out and I looked at my dad, and he was glowing. He then took a deep breath and said, "Wow, one of you is getting married and the other one is moving across the country. OK" as if he needed to think about it all out loud, as if it was a little too much.

When I write, especially entries like this one, I throw my iTunes on and shuffle through the songs until I find one that will make me cry my eyes out. Today, thinking about how time has flown, how my older sister is getting, about how I will live 3,000 miles from my family, and about how my little sister is a senior in college, I can't stop crying. I even turned on "Backstreet's Back" and it reminded me of playing in my cousin's basement as young kids and another loud sniffle came out.

Change has always been my biggest enemy. It seems to creep up on me and instead of letting me process everything going on around me, it hits me like a big truck. It makes me feel torn between the world of was and the world of what is to be. It's impossible to live at home and have Mom cook me wonderful vegetarian meals, and, at the same time, move to New Mexico and live a life I never dreamed I would. I think Blink 182 said it best... I guess this is growing up!

Congrats Emily and Shane! I love you both!

This one's for Dave...

As I sit watching UFC fights with David this evening...

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."


-Theodore Roosevelt


I hope all of your dreams come true, Babe.

i guess if you don't jump you don't know if you can fly

Throw Back Music Day

I love looking up songs that remind me of my childhood... here we gooooo:

OMC - How Bizarre
(Emily and Sarah)

Natalie Merchant - Kind and Generous
(Rath parties)

Del Amitir - Roll To Me

Billy Joel - Piano Man

Lazy Saturday... for realz?

I NEVER get one of these days. Dave is at the gym all afternoon and I have nothing to do or worry about until work tonight at 5pm.

Is it bad that I honestly don't know what to do with myself? Is it okay that I'm dreading staying at home in bed for 4 hours and do nothing? What have I become? Is this adulthood?

As I lay here and think about my options I get overwhelmed. There are many things I should do, but only one thing I want to do. Write... and eventually sleep.

Saturday's are the best because there is dreading the tomorrow because we have to work, and it's better than Friday because we don't have to work all day. Although, these days, Saturday's are just another day because work never stops for this girl.

Thinking ahead and thinking back, Saturdays have always been that day of the week where you can sit back and reflect on the week that has just passed and the one that is about to come. All week you look ahead to Saturday, make plans, and plan on doing things that you should have done all week. But when Saturdays come, lazy is the only word that makes any sense.

Here's to my lazy Saturday... one in 52 weeks.