I feel like I should start at the beginning.
I've been writing a lot lately and it has inspired me to chase something I've always wanted. I want to write for a living, but a different kind of writing than I initially thought. I went to school to earn a degree in journalism, but fell in love with multimedia. I want to write a blog for a living. I hope to include photo essays, videos, and podcasts one day. Right now I'm busy making a living hoping to one day make a living ;). I would love for people to follow my blog, but I am just as happy with you reading it.
I've been thinking, however, there is no real theme behind my blog. It's basically just my thoughts formed into an essay. I am always writing: when I fall asleep, when I'm in the shower, as I'm driving, when I listen to music. Words are always being formed in my head. I needed this blog to get them out!
I believe in signs. I believe that the universe sends you messages and if you pay attention, the universe is usually pretty smart in what it is trying to say. In the past few weeks, while trying to find a theme for my blog, it has actually been right in front of my face.
I struggle with depression. This blog is my diary.
I've struggled with depression for about 7 years. It was triggered by a really bad breakup. I blamed him for a while. I told him he ruined my life, he was responsible for how miserable I was. I thought that if he came back, I wouldn't feel sad anymore. We were together for a long time, throughout high school, the years in which you find out who you are as a person. After about a year of blaming him, I woke up one day, and wanted to feel happy.
I don't blame him anymore. That was a long time ago. I don't blame anybody. In some weird way, I think having depression has given me the strength to follow what I truly want to do with my life. I know I will not be happy just doing whatever. I want to do something I truly enjoy because even though I will still have depression, I will be writing and perhaps helping others that struggle, too.
I have been going to therapy on and off for the past 7 years. I've taken anti-depressants, self-prescribed tanning beds as a form of therapy, and continued on with life. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed, but I do. And there are periods of time when I don't feel anything but happy. It's a strange thing to try and describe, but for me it's more or less knowing exactly what makes me happy, and everything that doesn't.
There have been other events that have triggered my depression. The loss of a job, moving away from home, other boys, the weather. It's something I'm always going to deal with.
The best therapy so far has been writing. I am a terrible, awkward talker. I am the girl who uses cliches and metaphors completely wrong. The other day I said, "You have to use that experience to get your
leg in the door." I am a mess when it comes to the spoken word. But I'm really good at writing.
When Dave and I first dating, I used to send him long email love letters to explain how I felt about him. The written word comes easy to me. When my mind is jumbled with thought, I can filter them through writing. Quotes and lyrics are my favorite things ever.
I don't need pity. I am completely fine. I'm healthy, I'm happy, I have a good job, great friends, wonderful family, and a supportive boyfriend. And when I have my moments I know I can always call my mom.
This time of year has always been hard for me. The weather is an evil thing sometimes. By blogging the last few weeks, I've not only fulfilled a new year's resolution, but I've been keeping my depression under control.
So now that you know what the theme of this blog is, I hope you can read it knowing I have no hidden agenda. Having depression isn't something to be ashamed of. In fact, the more I talk about it, the better I feel.
I hope you enjoy my writing! And thank you so much for reading. It means the world to me!
